I sleep to dream
by LouisaJosephine
Summary: Sisters annoy, interfere, criticize. Indulge in monumental sulks, in huffs, in snide remarks. Borrow. Break. Monopolize the bathroom. Are always underfoot. But if catastrophe should strike, sisters are there. Defending you against all comers.
1. Power trip ballad

Hey guys, I know this has been done before but I thougt I should try something different for once. :)

* * *

The way in which I feel is solely a reflection of you  
The devastating childhood the powertrip you forced me through  
But how could he leave you?  
Could he fuck that whore?  
He left you for  
Get revenge. ~Maria Mena, Power Trip Ballad

I was the last one to move in and I'll probably be the last one to move out too. This is my story, my journey, a journey of happiness, love and pain. Liv Morelli-Mercer's life journey.

* * *

It was a cold snowy November day when Evelyn Mercer first met Liv Morelli; Evelyn had been called by a young social worker. Evelyn was well known along the different social departments and now that had a particular bad case. Liv Morelli.

Everyone knew that Evelyn took her four adoptive sons in and it wasn't a secret that she had a hand for problem children. And Liv was one of those problem children. It may seemed that she wasn't out righteous a 'bad' kid, she just couldn't fit in with other children and had many, many irrational fears and on top of that all she couldn't speak for herself – half of the time she was afraid to ask for things.

And to no one's surprise there was no foster family out there that had enough patience to actually help her. Or was willing to. The two social workers made an appointment at a so called neutral place. It wasn't an official thing per se, it was more a under hand meeting. Although everyone knew that Evelyn was practically a saint a lot of people thought she was crazy for taking in the four worst cases.

But at six years old Liv had been in five different foster homes and right now she lived in the temporary care of Hilary Mayer, her social worker. But as much as Hilary liked Liv she didn't have space or time for the small girl.

But enough of the background info, Evelyn met Liv at a playground near her home, at first she was surprised to see that Liv was really small for her age. Although she was six she looked like a small four year old. Her red woolen hat was too big for her and covered almost covered her eyes and her long blue coat seemed to thin to protect her from the cold. Evelyn immediately wanted to take that girl home with her and feed her till she would explode. But and that was certain she couldn't just bring another kid home without asking the boys first.

"…her father left her with her mother when she was four and from there it went downhill her mother got addicted to alcohol and then the CPS took her out of her mother's care and now we have her. We don't really know what happened because she doesn't talk about her past or her future for the matter. All she ever says is that she can't remember." Hilary had the sober expression on her face, that every experienced social worker had when she was talking about her cases.

Evelyn had missed most of the things Hilary told her because she was so focused on Liv who played in the snow getting her thin clothes wet. Liv obviously tried to make a snowman but the snow was too fresh to stick as one.

"I know that from her files. But thanks Hilary. I've got to go now."

"Please Evelyn, think about taking her in. She is almost too old to be saved from the system; no one wants an eight year old. Please." With a warm smile Evelyn left the snow covered park.

* * *

Evelyn thought about Liv as she roasted some chicken in her fry, she really didn't know if it was a good idea to take a girl in. Absent minded she didn't even notice that her boys had strolled in one after another, all still in hockey gear.

"Ma?" Evelyn jumped and the spatula she was holding slipped out of her hand, clashing it met the clean kitchen floor.

"Sorry." Jack said looking at her abashed, he was still getting used to living under her roof even though the eleven year old was with them now for two years, and he was scared of loud noises and had always this glimpse of panic in his eyes when he thought he was in trouble.

"Nonsense there is nothing to worry about, honey. I was just a little out there for a while." He nodded still looking a little confused but he dropped the matter.

"You know boys, you came quite right. You can set the table for dinner." Bobby and Angel groaned but Jack obeyed and silently set the table.

"Don't let him do it by himself. Make yourself useful, or there will be no dessert for you." The last part she said with a twinkle in her eyes dessert free days were a threat but never a done deed. Evelyn thought that such things were much too cruel.

* * *

"I've got to ask you something." Evelyn had a serious expression on her face as she looked at each boys face.

Jerry had joined them for dinner after he had come home from Camille's place.

"I swear Ma, it wasn't me." Angel said holding his hands up, he earned a sweat on the back of his head from Bobby. "Ow man."

Evelyn raised her eyebrows but still saw everything in good humor. "We'll talk about this later Angel. But for now if got different topic to discuss with you." Jerry was the one to nod for her to continue. "Today I've been contacted by Hilary Mayer – you all know her – she asked me to meet up with her and a foster child." She could tell by the looks she got they all knew what was about to come. "And now I'm thinking about taking her in." She didn't expect her sons to wear such sober expressions.

It was Bobby to speak up first. "Her?" There was surprise in his voice and a little concern too.

"Yes she is about six years old and she has been in the system for about two years now, don't be surprised but she looks a lot younger than she actually is." After a moment of silence Evelyn started tapping her fingers on the table impatiently, that was the moment she realized that she already had made up her mind about what would happen to Liv. "So what do you think?" "We can't stop you, can we?" Bobby asked, he smiled a sure sign that he wouldn't mind either.

"Sure Ma." Jerry said and Angel nodded along. Jack was the only one left to say anything and Evelyn looked at him expectantly.

"Umm yeah…it's fine with me." He showed a short smile and showed off his lack of front teeth. Evelyn smiled and felt her stomach fill with a warm feeling. She would enjoy the company of a girl for once.

None of the boys would let her braid their hair.

* * *

A/N: Please be kind. I know this chapter isn't much but I promise the next chapter will be longer. :) Love, L.


	2. Better than nothing at all

Chapter 2

_I don't want to have to build this  
I don't want to have to fit in  
I don't want to have to need someone  
But I do. ~Maria Mena, Better than nothing at All_

Two weeks passed after they had made the decision, since than Evelyn had showed them a picture of Liv and told them what she knew about her past and reminded them that this was gonna be a huge adjustment. Even though they all knew how it was to take in a foster child, who may or may not had experienced so many bad things already, they never had a girl in their household. Jack was the one who was mostly terrified, not just because he wasn't a people-person but because he wasn't willing to give up his position as the youngest. It was selfish he knew that but…he felt save and loved when everyone was there to make sure he was okay.

Jerry was the one who didn't worry at all, he was already in college and if he wasn't in college he was at Camille's house. But he was eager to meet that girl. Bobby and Angel though liked the thought of expanding the family. Angel – he even though you couldn't tell this by his tough exterior- liked small children very much and was happy to have another companion in his schemes.

* * *

It was the eighteenth of November when a car came to a stop at the Mercers home. Hilary Mayer and Liv Morelli sat in that car. Hilary with a kind smile on her face as she looked at the familiar house. Liv on the other hand didn't smile, she didn't show any emotion at all, Liv just stared at her feet clasping a cognac colored rabbit in her hands. In the trunk were two boxes filled with Liv's personal items. It wasn't much though, most things she had lost while she moved from one foster home to another.

"Are you ready?" Hilary asked turning around to look at the small girl in the backseat. Liv shook her head no. Hilary nodded guessing what Liv thought. Liv knew that she was going to live under the same roof as four boys.

And Liv didn't have good experience with boys that she had to live with. Hilary unfastened her seat belt and went to get Liv out of the car. Hilary took Liv's hand and made her way through the snow to the front porch. Liv took a step back as soon as Hilary had rung the doorbell. She was scared, you could tell that by the first glimpse of emotion on her face.

It was Evelyn who opened the door.

"Hello Hilary." Evelyn said smiling and shaking Hilary's hand.

"Hello Evelyn." Hilary said wearing a smile equally as large.

Then Evelyn bent down to Liv's level. "We already know each other, don't we?" Evelyn asked shaking Liv's small hand. But Liv being Liv just nodded, even though she wanted to talk so desperately, tell them to leave her somewhere, tell them that she didn't want any help, that she didn't need anyone. But she couldn't make her tongue work. So she complied silent as ever.

"Follow me in my boys are out at the moment, so we'll have the house for us for at least two hours."

The house smelled nice and friendly, it was a mix between food, different cleaners and a sweet flowery smell Liv couldn't quite define. Liv immediately felt lost. It was a nice house but Liv was wrong here. She wanted to cry but she couldn't do that, not in this house, not in front of strangers.

"We'll go and get your stuff, honey. You can sit on the couch." Evelyn pointed to an old battered floral sofa. Liv sat down and was almost swallowed by its comfortable cushions. With a sigh she began to play with her rabbits ears, nervously she fiddled with them. A few minutes later both woman came back carrying her card boxes.

"Liv come and follow me I'll show you your room." Evelyn balanced the card box in her arms and walked up the stairs. Liv walked a few meters behind her, as they descended the stairs they were in a dim corridor. Liv could catch a glimpse in to a rather messy room with many hockey posters on their walls.

They walked past a bathroom and then walked up more stairs. At the end of that stair was a door, as Evelyn pushed the door open Liv quickly brushed a tear away from her eyes.

"This is gonna be your room, I hope you like it." Liv nodded still tongue-tied. It was nice, the walls were covered in a similar floral pattern as the couch and the room had two windows both in the direction of the backyard. The furniture was also white. It seemed private enough she looked at the door to see if there was a lock she could use. And to her surprise there was. That's when she started to like the room.

"Okay sweetheart…you can put your stuff away and then you can come back down again." Liv merely acknowledged her with a short nod. And so she was left alone with herself and her stuffed rabbit whose name was bunny. Liv pulled of her hat and coat and placed them on her desk. She pulled of her shoes and stuffed them in a corner. The last thing she did was putting her bunny on her bed. She left the boxes untouched. Coming back down the stairs she smelled cookies. For a moment she was surprised than she caught her stomach growl, Liv's face became angry. It was weakness.

* * *

"You want some cookies, dear?" Liv shook her head no and instead settled for some juice. She made a face at the sweet taste. She hadn't eaten anything sweet since her stay at the Riley's home and they would give her those only for certain rewards. She didn't like candy at all. You gave your all and what you get is a small chocolate bar.

There was no way Liv would eat anything. She didn't know what she would have to do for food. And she never was one to risk anything.

"My boys dig my cookies, you sure you don't want one?" Liv vehemently shook her head but allowed herself a sip from the juice. Evelyn sighed looking at Liv with her piercing blue eyes showing concern, for Liv though it was the first sign of frustration another reason not to unpack. Evelyn quietly started to warm up the dinner wondering if the girl was ever going to trust her and talk. Now they just had to wait for the boys to arrive. Soon this house was gonna be filled with steps, laughter, shouting and other noise that Evelyn liked.

But Liv hated so much.

* * *

"Ma?" Liv jerked when she heard the door slam, she tried to look as invisible as possible. And failed. They all eyed her expectantly each thinking what kind of girl she was. Bobby for his part could tell that she wasn't the anger type of foster child she wouldn't lash out on them, no anger he could use for a good hockey game. Such a shame. He shrugged his thoughts off and went to introduce himself.

"Hi I'm Bobby." He was scary and old was all Liv could think off. But she still shook his hand she withdrew herself fast. They all moved to say hi to her by age. Angel was the first to speak up.

"Are you like…mute?" Liv shook her head already being on the edge of tears. She wanted to go away and never ever come back. This was so awkward and hurtful.

* * *

A/N: I want to thank: Kiernacl, LaraFinja, mizz-muffet, shadow lupus, Tigerkat51, MANDERS87 and last but not least FlowerPower. :D I'm really thankful that you guys took the time to review, favorite and setting this story on alert. Can't be that bad now can it? Please review and tell me if something is off. PLEASE. :D

The L stands for danger. :D

b2a65616-4c3b-4366-8d50-7a63e0c30f0e

1.03.01


	3. Cause and Effect

A/N: I hope I didn't make you wait too long. :) I'm really happy that this is conceived so well. I beg you to leave me reviews and some constructive criticism.

Chapter 3

I can't laugh to hard I'm on a diet  
I'm trying to lose myself  
You ought to try it  
Just starve for 6 days straight  
Oh it's a riot  
Every Sunday night ~ Cause and Effect by Maria Mena

* * *

Your nice and trustworthy postman hits his wife. The young woman that cuts your hair has been raped when she was four years old. That old Lady down the street is a drug addict. The little boys that pull your hair, had a sister once but she was shot. The pastor's daughter was abused by her grandfather.

I? I can't remember what happened before I was shipped off into the system. It's not that I don't want to remember - I just don't. I couldn't remember if I liked cheese or not or if I had both parents, if I had siblings. Everything is black.

Sometimes when I smell something familiar a memory comes up but as fast as it was there the memory fades again. My various therapists call it repression I can't help but be thankful for my natural protection. But because for my fear of rejection and people that judge me I can't talk, another form of repression, saying the wrong thing can get you into trouble. Getting in trouble for saying the wrong words wouldn't happen here.

But the Mercers were already getting annoyed with my lack of voice. Evelyn and Jerry were the ones to bother trying to involve me in an actual conversation. Bobby avoided asking me question but tried at least somtimes but he was to easily frustrated and annoyed, so he spoke as little as possible with me.

Angel made many snide remarks about my muteness but you could tell that it was all in good humor for him. For me it was not.

And Jack? Hadn't spoken a word with me since the day we met, he was cold and not accepting at all. But that didn't bother me. I wasn't planning on staying much longer. I never stayed longer than two months tops. I wasn't really a troublemaker, but I unnerved people.

As I lay in this unfamiliar bed on this late Sunday afternoon I couldn't do more then hold my stomach because it was aching so badly. And my kidneys were aching too, I really didn't know what to do, I was sniffing and holding my lower abdomen with my hands.

Slowly I sat up knowing exactly what I needed right now. I quietly walked to the bathroom and took a clean towel out of the drawer and held it under the hot water. Quickly I made my way back to my bed and pressed the towel to my stomach, it helped to calm my nerves and I fell asleep pretty fast. I was so grateful for that.

* * *

It was Evelyn who woke me up.

She shook me lightly and smiled as I groggily opened my eyes.

"It's your first day of school, Liv. Hurry up!" She left soon after that and I, still in pain, put some clothes on. I felt pain shot through me but I made it downstairs easily.

As far as pain can be described as easy. It was another quiet breakfast and I knew it was because of me. Everything went awkward when I entered the room.

Once again I shuffled the food from one side to another on my plate. It seemed like I was eating but I didn't. No one seemed to notice, which was good. Evelyn ushered us into different directions so we were all doing something but no one was blocking the other one.

I was the first to go the bathroom so I quickly brushed my teeth and hair, once my morning routine was done and I sat down on the comfortable couch cushions. I wasn't as nervous as I should've been but that probably was because of my constant school and kindergarten changes.

Everything went the same exact way. Some kids were nice some not so much, but all of them started to ignore me after a while, and that was good enough for me, no attention, no trouble, right?

* * *

It was Evelyn who drove me and Jack to school, she first dropped of Jack at his middle school and then me at my elementary school, together we walked up to the secretary and introduced us. She rather intodruced us, because I just nodded.

"This is Liv Morelli." Evelyn said for me knowing that I wasn't going to say anything. The schoolmistress – a middle aged dark skinned woman – bent down to my level and shook my hand.

"I am Mrs. Hyde, I hope you'll enjoy your time at this school." I gave her a shrug in response.

Her brown eyes scanned me but she seemed satisfied enough with my answer. "Good then I'll show you your class."

She led me through some long corridors and pointed out everything that was, or could be, important to me. I forgot everything right after it had came out of her mouth. I was preoccupied with my aching body, the pain had spread and was now everywhere I could think off.

I wanted to die right there and then.

* * *

Ms. Pimplebottom – an elderly woman with a kind smile – welcomed me in her class quite enthusiastically. Evelyn left me with a shoulder squeeze and a promise to pick me up after school.

"So Liv, how about you meeting your new classmates?" Ms. Pimplebottom had a very husky voice as if she had smoked a lot in the past. Her voice was comforting.

I nodded again not able to unwind my tongue but I really didn't have a choice anyway. She seemed satisfied and held the door open so I could enter the room.

"Class! Listen up!" She waited a few seconds 'till everyone had calmed down and was facing the front.

"This is Liv Mercer, your new classmate." I grimaced as she used Evelyn's name, it wasn't mine and I didn't want it to be.

"She is mute, so she can't speak and I expect you to treat her nicely." I was surprised by her bluntness, it hurt.

She then placed me at one of the tables in the middle of class, next to my seat sat a small brown haired boy.

I ignored the whispers and muttering and watched the boy doodle away on a piece of paper. He wasn't paying attention at all it seemed. I pressed my hand to my stomach and rubbed it. My head was pounding and my kidneys once again felt like a pounding stone.

"I am Ted." He pulled me out of my misery for a second. His eyes were blue, I liked that.

I took a pencil and went to write it on his paper with the doodles. _Liv Morelli. _He smiled and started drawing a little lemur and then made an arrow from my name pointing to the little creature.

I grinned but the smile was fading from my face as I felt my sight become cloudy.

Ms. Pimplebottom assigned all of us to write a paper about our Thanksgiving. I focused on the task and waited for everything to pass.

* * *

When it finally struck time for the break I was relieved to escape the stares and murmurs.

I followed Ted to what I assumed were the toilets and then locked myself in a cabin. I pulled my legs up and rested my head on them desperately wanting the throbbing pain to stop.

I wished for everything to stop and then suddenly everything went black.

It was dark when I woke up. It wasn't Evelyn's home for sure, everything was in a damp was a Hospital. I cringed and closed my eyes again, I concentrated and heard someone breathing nearby.

I was so scared.

* * *

To be continued.

A/N: If anyone is interested to be my Beta, please pm me. Again thanks to everyone who reviewed and made me bounce with joy. Also I promise the next chapter is going to be longer and will have more dialogue. Oh and special thanks to the _**Demon Puncher **_for her enthusiasm! L.


	4. Courage

**A/N Thank you for the sad two reviews! :D Although there weren't many people who read this I'm encouraged to write further and faster. I really want to finish this. Again if anyone knows a good beta or wants to help me correcting things pm me or leave a review. Thank you so much for your support.**

* * *

Chapter 4

The day I chose not to eat  
What I do know is how I changed my life forever  
I know I should know better  
There are days when I'm okay  
And for a moment  
For a moment I find hope  
But there are days when I'm not okay  
And I need your help  
So I'm letting go ~ Courage by Superchick

* * *

Bright lights woke me up. It took me a few moments to adjust my vision. Everything was blurry and when it got better I could see tubes connected with me. I was hooked to an IV-bag and some other undefined machines that beeped in a steady pace. I was terrified. The more terrified I became the louder was the beeping.

"Liv?" It was Evelyn's voice. "Oh honey…" She let the sentence hanging in the air and grabbed my hand squeezing it tightly.

She looked so sad that I didn't dare to take my hand from hers. Tears ran down her face, she quickly wiped them away with her left hand.

I looked at her utterly confused. Why was she crying? Her blue eyes were cloudy and darker than usual.

"I'm gonna go get the doctor." I shrugged I couldn't care less about a doctor. She got up and left the room that's when I started to notice that my headache was gone. I felt better, even if it just was a tiny bit.

I pulled the hospital blanket tightly around myself. It was cold and I had goose bumps all over my body. As I looked the room over I saw Bobby sitting on a chair in the corner. He was asleep his head leaning against the wall and his mouth slightly ajar.

He wasn't half as scary as he was when he was awake. I quickly looked away knowing that he would wake up if I stared to long and I wanted to avoid that at all costs.

It was then that Evelyn came back into the room in tow was my doctor. He was already talking to Evelyn when the door opened.

"…anorexia nervosa isn't common among children her age Ms. Mercer, you see we steadied her liquid content and checked on her vitals. But we can't force her to eat, you see she has to do this on her own. This is more a psychological problem than a physical, though it has many physical side effects." Evelyn nodded her eyes fixed on me.

"How much damage has been done already?" She asked turning to the doctor.

The doctor flipped the metal clipboard open and scanned my data's quickly.

"Her kidneys aren't damaged much but I think she must've been hurting badly the last few days. Seeing that she weighs only 24 lb at age six it could be that she won't be able to conceive kids when she is older. She has low blood pressure and probably chronic stomach problems such as cramps. But that's something she has to tell you." I listened intently to them but I couldn't really comprehend what they were saying.

Anorexia? That wasn't possible.

"W-what is going to happen now?" Evelyn was on the verge of tears again, she chocked on her words.

"We want her to stay a little longer also when she is released we think weekly checkups will help. And then we suggest sending her to therapy. There isn't really much more than that." I wanted to scream that I was right beside them tell them that the person they were talking about was laying right beside them, this was the first time that I regretted my natural protection, this was worse than I thought it could ever be.

"Thank you Dr. Collins, I appreciate this." It was then that they finally focused back on me.

"I see you are awake." Dr. Collins said stating the obvious. I nodded not looking at him. "Well then tell me how do you feel?" Stupid as I was I shrugged.

"I see. As you probably heard you're in a critical condition, fifteen percent of those who suffer from this disease die. I really don't want to be to straight forward but I know that anorexic girls often don't listen when they get warned so I say it now. You will die if you don't start eating soon."

I disliked the man already.

* * *

The next week I spent in the hospital bed the days dragging along. I was bored out of my mind by the time they were ready to release me.

They had practically forced the food down my throat. They watched me when I ate and checked my vitals every two hours. As a result of the unusual amount of food I puked a lot. I couldn't hold in any of the food they gave me. So naturally I was pumped up with synthetic vitamins. I felt emptier by the third day, I pushed from hand to hand and everybody looked at me.

I was the 'shit-this-is-something-I-have-never-seen-before' case. I was some sort of attraction to everyone. And really despised them for it all of them.

The only break between my boredom was Ted who came to visit me with his mother. He brought me a picture of another Lemur.

He chattered away while I just sat there occasionally nodding but still being quite enthusiastic about it. He was the nicest person I had ever met. He didn't stop talking even though I didn't answer. And when he left I cried not in front of anyone but to myself. This all was such a pity fest I couldn't stand it.

What was I supposed to do now?

* * *

It was a Friday evening - a few days after Angel's birthday - when they finally snapped. Or rather Bobby snapped.

It had been a little over two weeks since I had been back at Evelyn's house. And my eating habits hadn't got better at all. My fear of throwing up was too great and I couldn't really believe that I was anorexic it just wasn't possible. When we ate they all stared at me. And frowned when I didn't do anything other than pushing food from one side to the other, I knew that they knew. Because I could hear them through the funnel that where connected with every room in the house.

"We can't force her Bobby." Evelyn reminded him for the third time.

"But Ma, she is gonna die if she doesn't get her fucking mouth open."

"Bobby, language." Evelyn scolded him.

"Sorry Ma but I'm telling the truth."

"I know." She sounded sad.

"Then why are _we_ talking about this instead of talking with her?" Bobby's voice grew angrier by the second.

"Because pressing her won't get her to open up. You've got to know that it's her decision to stay alive. I want to help her so badly. But I can't."

"Fine." He huffed. They had this conversation numerous times.

But today it was me on the receiving end of Bobby's anger. It had been another family dinner it was fairly quiet again, I knew that there was normally more buzz. The Mercer boys weren't exactly known for their quiet nature. I was once again shifting my food from one side to the other, occasionally almost putting the fork in my mouth but then dropping it again.

"Oh fuck it!" It was Bobby he abruptly stood up and slammed his knife on the table.

"You!" He pointed at me. "Start to fucking eat right now!" His face slowly turned into a nice shade of puce.

"It's not that fucking hard to eat! You can't tell me that your too dumb to see that you'll fucking die if you don't start to function right." I bit my lips and searching for help looked at the others none of them seemed to be able to speak.

"You should stop wallowing in self pity and wake up! Life isn't pancakes and fucking syrup!" That's when my lower began to tremble and my eyes became watery.

"Wake up, Liv." He said and stormed from the table. My tears finally dropped and hit my cheeks.

I stood up and walked up to the bathroom, I locked the door and slid the window open, now I could easily climb onto the roof to cry. It was freezing outside and part of the roof was covered in a thin ice layer but that didn't bother me.

I let my regrets and tears fall freely.

I didn't want to die.

I didn't want to be here. I wanted a real family. Or just someone I could hold onto.

"Hey." My head whipped around and I had the deer in the headlights look on my face it was Jack. He more thoughtful than I was, had a jacket on. I nodded and wiped my tears from my face.

"It's okay…" He said softly. I shook my head and slid down the wall and sat on the wet roof.

"It really is…" He whispered. I shook my head again. "You know that talking could help you?"

I shrugged indifferent. "It really does. You could tell everyone why you don't eat. Why you clearly don't want be here. It helps." I nodded and wiped some more at my face nervous that he was talking to me.

"You're hurting Evelyn with this, you know? She clearly doesn't deserve to be treated this way. She is a good loving person." He was honestly concerned about his mother, I knew by now that she wasn't a bad person. We then fell silent. As I began to shiver I felt words work their way up to my tongue.

"I know." I said surprised by my voice my hand flew to my mouth expecting something different then my lips.

Jack looked up just as surprised as I was but he grinned it was a cocky but somewhat sincere smile. I backed away from him and climbed back into the bathroom.

* * *

It was late at night when I awoke again a little thirsty and hungry. I hadn't felt this kind of hungry in a long time.

I slipped a sweatshirt over my head and descended the stairs as quietly as I could.

I made light in the kitchen and poured myself a glass of milk and pulled the cookie jar out of the cupboard. As I took a bite of the chocolate chip cookie I really felt good again.

The taste was better than heaven, it was the first food I enjoyed in a long time. I zoned out and didn't notice that someone had walked into the kitchen.

When I looked up Evelyn was sitting next to me.

"You know food is something rather enjoyable." She smiled and took a sip from her own glass of milk. I smiled back at her and nodded. We then went silent.

We finished but we both didn't move or said anything. I looked at her and stared at her kind eyes and took in my surroundings. This really wasn't bad. Nobody had hit me, nobody yelled at me without a good reason to and nobody was mean or had stolen from me.

And all that because of Evelyn's decision to keep me even though I had made her worry so much already.

"Thank you so much for this." I said and locked my brown eyes with her striking blue ones.

* * *

A/N so what do you think should I do another past chapter or should I jump into the future? _Thank you for reading_! Special thanks to the **Demon Puncher **who is always willing to brainstorm with me.

L.


	5. That's why I love you so

**A/N Thank you for your amazing support. **

Chapter 5

The way you make me feel like I belong The way you make me right when I am wrong The way you sacrifice just for me Just how lucky can a poor girl be? ~ Jackie Wilson – (That's why) I love you so

I twirled aimlessly on the hockey rink. Normally I wouldn't be on here but it was late and nobody liked to play hockey in the dark it was barely lit by some street lights. Plus it was almost midnight. I had told Mum that I was staying at Ted's house for the evening but I never actually showed up at Ted's house to do homework.

Being outside this late at night was against the rules and I knew that.

The rules – if broken – weren't exactly punished. Evelyn was stern, don't get me wrong, but I never had been more than grounded. Seeing what my brothers did in their youth (and still do) I come off as an angel – which I'm really not.

But compared to them and if you add it up even O.J. Simpson seemed like a harmless kitten.

But for me this time of the year was really special. It was close to thanksgiving, close to the day we first met and even closer to the day that Evelyn had adopted me and the day I had forgotten about my biological family.

Or more lost my hope to ever find them. I now was a part of the Mercer family in three days for approximately eight years. I sped up a little feeling the freezing air hit my face.

"Liv?" I froze in my motion and then turned to see that it was Ted leaning against the entrance.

"Hey." I mumbled fumbling with my hair.

"Your Mum called." He said and grinned, I raised my left eyebrow. "I told her I would drive you home."

I sighed with relief and smiled at him. "Thanks."

"Next time you'll be my cover." He suggestively wiggled his eyebrows. I rolled my eyes at him, knowing that he was talking about his toy – err – girlfriend Brittany.

"Sure, Casanova." He grinned cockily and then motioned for me to come off the ice.

"Where are your shoes?" Ted asked and looked around the benches.

"Next to my bag." I said untying my 'girl' skates.

"I have your bag but no shoes." I looked up to see Ted holding up my bag.

"Shit…" I groaned and stood up stepping into the wet snow. It was cold. Really cold. I looked behind and under every single seat but my shoes were gone.

"This is Detroit, sweetheart." Ted said picking up my ice skates and putting them in my bag.

"I lived here for seventeen years and I didn't notice that anyone had been here. " Miserable I spun around and stalked off to Ted's car.

"Your feet are getting wet." I flipped him the bird and slammed his car door shut blocking his stupid comments out.

He climbed in next to me and started the engine slowly driving of the parking lot. I frowned the whole time viciously trying to ignore my freezing feet.

"You know, Lemur, you better have something good to explain why your shoes are missing." I glared at him having already thought about that.

After a moment of silence he spoke up again. "So what will you tell her?"

I bit my lip weighing my options. "The truth, I guess. She'll find out anyway and if lie I make things worse." We wouldn't argue or fight anyway – Evelyn scolded, grounded and sometimes took away your privileges but she never argued.

She didn't tolerate yelling and lying at all.

The rest of the drive was filled with crappy radio music and me pondering on how to tell Evelyn the truth, this was so ironic. We pulled up at my house a few minutes later and I quickly unfastened my seat belt. "Thank you for picking me up, I see you in the morning right?"

"Yeah, next time you use me, tell me. And don't forget if my mom calls I'm in the bathroom." He grinned mischievously having that glint in his eyes that only teenage boys get.

I knew that glint all too well and it grossed me out.

"Yeah…You're in the bathroom with a playboy from the nineties kindly sponsored by Angel." I laughed at his face expression and slid out of the car avoiding bigger piles of snow I made my way onto our front porch.

The house was lit and I could hear the TV running in the living room. I pushed the screen door open.

"Liv?" Mom called from the kitchen. "Yeah, I'm home!" I shrugged my coat off and stuffed my hat, my gloves and my scarf in the drawer. It was then that Ma appeared in the doorway.

She took my appearance in and then noted: "Your socks are wet, honey."

Ashamed I looked down at my soaking wet purple socks. "Uhhm…yeah they are." So much for telling the truth, Mom quickly scanned the room but obviously couldn't find what she was searching for.

"Where are your shoes?" She asked a humorous glint gracing her eyes. "They kind of got stolen." I grumbled a little angry at myself for being so careless with my favorite and only shoes.

"Kind of?" Mom's eyebrows were raised. "Yup. I stupidly left them unattended for some time and now they are gone."

"At Ted's house?" I could tell that she knew the truth by the way she asking, but that was her way of showing me that she wasn't angry.

"No, at the hockey rink, I wasn't at Ted's house tonight." "I guessed that, we'll have some tea and talk about it." I grinned and followed her into the kitchen.

* * *

**From: Jack Mercer [yahoo] To: Liv Morelli Mercer [hotmail]  
**

_Liv,_

_I know I should've answered you sooner and seeing the many mails you wrote me that were scarily Bobby-ish I thought I should answer better sooner than later. There is no excuse that will count is there? Never mind. My band and I had practice and even some gigs at some shabby clubs and bars, I barely had time to shower or eat. Still doesn't count right? Yeah I guessed so. How is it going in Detroit? Still enjoying 'the best weather in the world'? Like you had put it when you were eight? Are you still climbing the roof at night? Be careful, that ice is gonna be the death of yours some day. Oh and the lack of clothing of course, is it finally fashion to wear t-shirts while you go outside in the snow? You tried long enough for that to become mainstream. Speaking of bad habits, I know I should've marked Thanksgiving in my calendar but I didn't and now I've got an extra shift at work and can't come, tell Mom that I'm sorry. Next year, okay? I promise. Jack _

_PS: In your last e-mail you implied that I had dropped the soap and enjoyed it. Thanks. Bobby is a bad, bad influence. _

Cheap excuses and empty promises, I had expected nothing less from Jack. This Thanksgiving would just be Mom, Jerry and his family and me. Again.

Not that it mattered though, I at least had something to be thankful for, there would be no Turkey-Cup.

* * *

I stared at my shoes in disdain. They had been Jacks a long time ago, I don't really know why Mom had kept them for so long but these old well-worn blue converse were better than no shoes. At least they kept the snow from freezing my feet.

"Nice shoes." I smiled dryly at Ted and then made a face.

"I know. If we ignore the fact that these are too big and that well-worn is an understatement it's practically Gucci." I snorted sarcastically and turned to open my locker.

The last period was coming up and I was itching to get home. My head was literally going to explode if I had to listen to much more teachers drowning over things that were just boring me. And my school uniform was annoying me too.

Actually everything was annoying me. This was one of my mood-swing days, I was feeling anger all day long and the smallest things could make me cry and snap. I'm exhausting, to others and to myself. It's not that I intend to be it's just the way I am.

My mood swings from one to another sometimes I'm loud, happy and then I get angry and sad. At first this sounds likeable its always 'Oh Liv is just a bit emotional at times were teenagers shoot people on the streets it's nice to know someone who feels a lot', but trust me it's not, it is exhausting.

Feelings are stress. And that includes the happy ones.

* * *

Later that night I sat down and turned my computer on, I logged in on my e-mail account and clicked the **reply** button to answer Jack.

**From: Jack Mercer [yahoo] To: Liv Morelli Mercer [hotmail]  
**

_Hi Jack,_

_Thanks that you finally answered. Mom told me to tell you that it's fine that you can't come home for the holiday, but I can tell by the way she looked that isn't fine for her. She was excited to see you again. And I know that Bobby and Angel won't show up either. She did so much for us, and you can't come home for a day or two? _

Making him feel guilty wasn't going to work. I knew that but I wanted him to feel that we were dissapointed and hurt.

_Never mind. At least call, please. I love you. Liv. _

_PS: You probably dropped your conditioner too. _

I clicked the send button. Sighing I went downstairs to say good night to mom. She was in the living room wiping her eyes with a tissue when she noticed me she quickly dropped it. She smiled watery at me. Quietly I sat down next to her and laid my head into her lap. She started stroking my hair and I felt sleepy.

"Tomorrow we'll get the turkey, okay?"

**A/N: Good? Bad? Do tell! :) **


	6. The hat

A/N You guys are really great, and I love you for your support. And I'm sorry to present this remotely short piece of crap to you. I promise the next chapter is going to be much much longer and with much more action also this chapter although it's a filler is really important to the story. Thanks again!

Louisa

**Chapter 6**

I knitted you a hat all blue and gold  
to keep your ears warm from the Detroit cold.  
It was my first one and it was too small.  
It didn't fit you at all, but you wore it just the same. ~ The Hat – Ingrid Michaelson

* * *

"Livy? I'm getting the turkey now, do you want anything?" Mom yelled from downstairs.

It wasn't me who answered though, it was Josie my best friend who did. "Chocolate would be great Ms. Mercer!" I rolled my eyes at her but still scrambled of my bed and down my stairs.

Standing at the landing I could see that she was wearing the head I had knitted her. I never had been good at knitting. It had no shape and it was obviously too big for her. I had told her numerous times that she really didn't need to wear the hat but she had refused.

"I'll see what I can do Josie, anything else Liv?" I shook my head and smiled, we already had enough sweets, cookies and ice-cream in my bed, Mom had provided us wonderfully.

"Okay. Please don't watch those crime TV shows. And I love you!" She walked out of the door and locked it from outside. Our neighborhood wasn't particularly violent but we still had many thieves.

"Isn't that the hat you made two years ago? It's…Pretty." "Shut up." I stuck my tongue out at her and climbed back into my comfortable double bed. I grabbed the remote and switched to Supernatural.

"I really need some Sam action." Josie sighed and grinned totally absorbed by the awesomeness of our favorite TV show. The more we stuffed our faces the more sleepy we got and around half past eleven we both were asleep.

* * *

"Wake up Liv!" I pushed Josie's hand away and turned around. "The doorbell is ringing."

"Grr.." I growled and got up my eyes halfway closed.

I grabbed my keys on the way downstairs, pushing the curtains aside I saw a young officer standing outside with his hat in his hands.

I instantly felt relegated back to when I was younger and one of my brothers got in trouble. I rejected that idea and hesitantly pulled the formerly locked door open.

"Excuse me for interrupting you this late Ms Mercer, but this is an emergency." He looked me up and down sadly, I backed away slightly feeling that something was terribly wrong.

"I'm sorry to inform you that Evelyn Mercer was killed in a rubbery." I began to shake feeling something ripped right out of me a whole was forming in me. Next to me Josie sharply sucked air in.

"H-how?" I stammered fighting against the hot tears that wear burning behind my eyes.

"She was shot." He replied obviously feeling bad about everything that was going down but I couldn't care less. I pressed my hand to my eyes to keep me from crying but I couldn't contain myself anymore.

I broke down, I started sobbing the hole in me aching. My Mom was gone, shot by someone unimportant in an unimportant place, where anonymity strikes when you enter, they don't know you and then they shoot you. Like a snap with your fingers. And take someone who is loved and cared for out of their life. She was important to me, she was my mountain and I was her sea. Without her I was just aimlessly flowing around destroying live with no boundaries. I felt Josie take my arm and lead me back up the stairs I wasn't able to talk all my tears where freely falling my face red and although I was sweating I felt cold. I chocked more and more and felt like dying. I wanted to die, to just fall into my bed and die. Take the pain away that filling was me. Take everything away. I fell and fell hard.

Josie pulled the blanket over us and began to rub my back, it was supposed to sooth me but it didn't, I just lost myself.

* * *

I stayed in bed, I had no strength to brace myself for what was going on outside the warmth of my bed. I closed my eyes and slept. It wasn't nice sleep I was bothered by vivid nightmares. It was Jerry who woke me up again. I couldn't understand anything he said, everything was drowsy and slurred.

But I understood by his motions what to do. I followed him around my room, shaky on my feet. And packed everything I needed or I thought I needed into my bag. When Jerry noticed that my hands were quivering he grabbed my bag and led me back onto my bed. "It's gonna be alright." He said but I couldn't believe him, the hole in me was still very present.

"Come on." He said when he finished stuffing things in my bag. And took my hand he led me to his Volvo and helped me getting the seat belts strapped. He dropped my stuffed cat in my lap he walked around the car and got in. We drove off down the icy streets of Detroit.

When we got to his little house Camille already waited for us when she saw his car pull up on the drive way she pulled the car door open with force and drew me into a bone crashing hug.

"Oh sweetheart…" She trailed of and kissed my hair. I felt a little better but all I wanted was a bed and something to distract me with. It was then when I noticed that I hadn't spoken a word at all. And I really didn't feel the need to do so.

* * *

A/N Reviews are love!


	7. Timshel

A/N: Yayyy. She updated! (Me). Thank you for your support. Also I know I used _many_ quotes but that's gonna change in the next chapter.

**Chapter 7**

And death is at your doorstep And it will steal your innocence But it will not steal your substance But you are not alone in this And you're not alone in this As brothers we will stand And we'll hold your hand Hold your hand ~Mumford and Sons, Timshel

* * *

The next day dragged itself slowly on, I practically spend all my time in Jerry's guest bed only leaving it for the toilet. I hadn't been eating at all, not that I didn't want to, I just couldn't. Jerry and Camille tried their best, but my stomach was filled with pain and something that would have had me chocking if I forced myself to eat. I was drained and eaten alive by the pain. I couldn't do anything else than lying numb in bed giving into the whirl of emotions that were eating me. I **needed **my Mom.

* * *

The guestroom door cracked open, I closed my eyes quickly and pressed the eyelids together tight, pretending to sleep.

"Is she doing alright?" A male asked, I recognized his voice from somewhere but I couldn't place it. It was undoubtedly Jerry who answered though.

"I don't know, man. She fell back into old patterns, she doesn't eat, she doesn't talk she is almost like a Zombie. Maybe you can help though." The door was closed again and the stranger approached me, when he sat down on the bed I jerked slightly and gave myself away.

"I knew it." It was Ted. I turned around to face him, he smiled a little and pulled his legs up so that he was resting next to me.

"I'm sorry." He said pure sincerity showing in his eyes. I was grateful that he didn't pull the pity tour. I couldn't give him more than a small nod. He took my hand in his and started stroking my hand with his thumb. Kicking of his shoes he slipped closer to me.

Eye to eye we lay there still attached at our hands.

* * *

I woke up blended by the late winter sun. My head was resting on Ted's chest, his arms were wrapped around me. I carefully removed his arms and sat up, today was the funeral.

My legs were shaking as I stood up and walked over to my bag which was untouched since I had arrived. I pulled a black dress out of the bag and some leggings and underwear.

Drowsily I walked to the bathroom thankful that no one was in there. I locked the bathroom door and undressed, completely naked I stood in front of Jerry's mirror with my fingers I traced my stomach. Of course you couldn't see any difference by now, but I always had been thin.

Thinner than most, probably because I never completely got over my problems, now and then I had relapses and fell back into my old self. But that wasn't frequent, I recovered quickly. This time I wasn't sure, if I would recover.

Did I want to recover? Questions were circling in my mind. I tore myself away from the mirror and turned on the shower cold water ran down my body, numbly I started rinsing my hair.

It took me less than ten minutes to finish the shower and dry myself. In daze I dressed myself and quickly dried my hair with a towel. I unlocked the door and silently walked back to the guestroom.

Ted was awake, he was wrapped in a blanket and his head was resting on the headboard, he patted the space beside him. I crawled back next to him and simply waited for the inevitable.

* * *

"Are you ready to go?" It was Jerry who knocked on the door and it was Ted who replied.

"Yeah, yeah we'll come."

"Hurry up." Jerry said when his steps had faded, Ted pulled me up from the bed and practically dragged me out of the room by my arm.

He released me when we split up to get to separate cars.

I was squashed between Daniela and Amelia, both of them were wearing thick winter coats that I would've killed for, because I was freezing.

And it was showing too, I was covered with goose bumps and I was trembling too.

I barely noticed that Camille and Jerry were talking because every other noise besides my thoughts was tuned down to a low whooshing.

* * *

I walked slowly behind the mourners, every single one of us was dressed in black and not surprisingly almost everyone Mom had helped once was there.

When we all had gathered around the grave that was for my Mom some people recognized me and cleared the way for me.

Hesitantly I passed the crowd and when I had walked up to the front I made a swerve so I was standing a little distant. When I looked over the crowd I could make out many familiar faces.

Ted, Josie, Bobby and Jack. I quickly turned my gaze away and tried to focus on the funeral.

* * *

**Jacks P.O.V**

The chilly November air was biting the whole that had been made for my mother's grave was obviously frozen. I couldn't hold back my tears any longer.

It was devastating I was trying not to break down into a sobbing mess.

Holding up a hand I covered half of my face and tried to wipe away the tears that were slowly dripping down my cheeks undetected by others.

I focused n the icy grass before me instead, all my thoughts and emotions directed at the ground down at my feet.

* * *

It was relieving to be finally far enough away from something that was hanging over us for so long now. With freezing fingers I fished for a cigarette and a lighter in my pockets and took a deep drag of it. Inhaling twice suddenly I felt hands on my shoulders.

"Hey. You alright?' I nodded and took another drag of my cigarette.

"You know I love you, man." He kneaded my shoulders.

"Come on, let's go see Jerry."I said he adjusted my scarf and clapped me on the back, I followed him over the street. It was good to see him again, he was hard to get a hold on and I had been busy over in New York.

Actually I hadn't seen any of my siblings in a long time. And when I was honest with myself, I regretted missing out on Amelia and Daniela growing.

They probably wouldn't even remember me now.

* * *

I could hear Jerry talking over a distance, he reassured some people Mom had acquainted with over the thirty years she had worked in the system.

"...How y'all used to cut up at work." It was bullshit and you could tell by the way he was fidgeting that he was lying.

"How you doing baby?" Bobby mocked but Jerry kept his cool and hugged Bobby back.

"Cool."

"Nice house, man. Not bad at all."

"Do you remember when I built that tree house and you burnt that shit down? Boy, I wanted to kick your ass!"

"Don't worry, your house is brick, I ain't gonna burn it down." That's when Jerry noticed me, he took me off guard when Jerry wrapped his arms around me.

"What's up, kiddo? Come on. Give me a hug, man." I pulled my arms up and left the cigarette dangling in my mouth.

"Hey." I said quietly, I was scared that my voice would crack if I spoke too much. When I tried to enter his house Jerry turned around.

"Oh, yeah, yeah. No smoking in my house, so you're gonna have to put that out. Sorry." He swatted my hands and I pressed it out on his brick wall. Walking through Jerry's home made me jealous.

My apartment barely had a heating system and don't even mention food that was halfway eatable and my roommates where obnoxious people who tried hard to get solid ground in the music business they were all completely focused.

Mom had warned me, she told me that it was going to be hard. And it was, day in and out we played in shabby bars - had little gigs. Nothing that would keep the cash flowing. I was broke half the time. We walked through the kitchen out into the backyard, where Amelia and Daniela played with the dog.

"Hey there you must be Daniela." I said and took her hand. She smiled shyly at me.

"Look how big you are." Bobby said and patted the dog. "And you must be Amelia. Nice dress, Amelia." I laughed at Bobbys antics. He was great with kids. He always had been. Apropos kids, where was Liv?

"I'm Amelia!" Amelia said indignantly.

"I know." Bobby chuckled. "You guys probably don't remember us, but I'm your Uncle Bobby and this is Cracker Jack." This name was probably going to be written on my gravestone.

"Don't teach them that, man." Bobby just laughed.

"You're not my uncle. You're white." Daniela said and my brother went on to explain.

"Grandma Evie and Livie are white." Amelia argued.

"Yeah see we're a different kind of uncle. Your grandma, she adopted me, Liv and Cracker Jack, like she did with your Daddy." I remember quitet clearly the day I had met Ma.

"You're policemen!" Daniela shouted, looking up we saw Green coming through the garden gate his partner in tow.

"That's right, and you're all under arrest, so don't nobody move." The girls ran off laughing, the dog mercilessly behind them on the leash.

"Hey, where y'all going?" Green asked smiling.

"What about me, Green? You gonna arrest me too?" I chuckled lowly thinking of all the times one of the Mercer kids had been arrested.

"All depends, Bobby. You keeping straight?" Of course not, I was curious to what he was doing for a living.

"Straight-ish." Bobby replied, all in good humor.

"How you doing, man?" Green finally asked pulling my brother into his arms for a short embrace.

"Good to see you."

"Jack." Green said, recognizing me.

"Green." It was a distanced answer, me and Green shared some history, not of the good kind.

"Sorry about your Mom, brother." I nodded, it had to be the hundredths time that I heard this today.

"Give me some love," Green said, also pulling me into his arms. It was short and I clapped him on the back, uncertainly. When I had been younger I never imagined meeting up with him this way.

* * *

"Thanks for coming Green. Mom would've been happy you made it." Which wasn't bullshit at all, when he had been younger he had been over a few times, Mom always had liked him.

"Shit, your Mom would've been happy you made it back for her funeral." It was accusing but true, Bobby hadn't been here for about two years now. Bobby may have changed but the city hadn't.

"I didn't come back for no funeral." We all knew exactly what he was implying.

"Thanks for the offer, but we got it under control." That was the typical mentality of a Detroit Police officer.

"Yeah, you know, I could tell by the looks of things when I drove in. The place looks completely different. Detroit's finest cleaned it up, huh?" Sarcasm dripping from every word. I looked at Greens reaction closely, his partner that hadn't said a thing yet, had a look of disgust on his face.

But Green was still wearing a smile, a forced smile.

"Yeah, be easy, Bobby. We got these punks. Kid playing basketball across the street witnessed to gangbangers running in there, shooting up the play..."

"Come on, Green. I used to make a good living around here because cops like you guys couldn't find tits in a strip joint." It was obvious that Bobby was going to lose it soon. But then suddenly he backed off.

Sighing he said: "Why don't you come inside, have some coffee and some doughnuts and then take your boy and get the fuck out of here, okay?"

Bobby grabbed me by my arm and led me back into the house.

* * *

We pulled up at our house, late evening. Most guests hadn't felt the need to leave early, staying to memorize about my Mother. It was good to be home.

Slamming the car door I exited the Bobby's car. Jerry's car had parked before us, I observed the shot gun side closely. Liv was in there, she looked bad.

Her eyes were bloodshot and she swayed lightly when she walked. And she hadn't said a word at all. She didn't even let me touch her. She had backed off when I tried to hug her. Now that she stood there the cold Detroit wind blowing her hair she looked small and tired. She noticed me staring at her so I quickly looked away. It made her uncomfortable.

"So shit, Bobby what've you been up to?"

"l am a freaking college professor, Jack. What do you think l've been doing?" Typical Bobby.

"I doubt that." Liv overtook us and walked up the stairs a little shaky. Bobby frowned at that but ignored it for the moment.

"What about you? You still sucking cock left and right, or what?"

"Fucker." The teasing was meant to be friendly but it still grated my nerves. A lot. When we entered the room, Liv jerked back right into Bobby.

"Stop that." He said and pushed her back on her feet. That's when we noticed Angel. He had missed the whole fucking funeral.

"Yo, little brother! You asshole!" Bobby said getting loud making Liv jerk again.

"You ought to be ashamed." Jerry jibed in.

"I missed my plane." Angel said shamefaced.

"Man, come over here!" Bobby said embracing each other they clapped each other on the back.

"You missed our mother's funeral, jarhead." Then it was my turn. "What's up?" I said, trying to be casual. "What's up with you?" Angel asked back being sarcastic too.

"It's all good. You shaved off the afro, huh?" He laughed. "Jack!" "You got your teeth whitened too!"

"Shut up, Jackie-poo!"

* * *

There was a moment of silence among the Mercers. Among us, we were shocked. Everything was still in its place, it was like we never had left it.

It was Angel who broke the silence.

"No, I'm gonna get something to eat. Y'all hungry?"

"I'm gonna get some sleep." Bobby replied and the rest of us shook their heads.

"Jack, you take your old room, all right? Angel, take yours. l'm gonna sleep in Mom's room." Bobby ordered pointing us upstairs.

* * *

I had been strumming lightly on my guitar when Bobby came in.

"You been crying in here you little fairy?" I could tell that he had been crying his eyes were red and wet.

For his sake I answered with: "Leave it alone, man."

He looked at my guitar and then rubbed his face.

"Still making a lot of racket on that freaking thing?" I ignored the question and asked him instead.

"Too weird in Mom's room?" It was weird in my room, but I couldn't imagine staying in her room.

"Ah man, way too weird. lt's crazy. l mean, everything's exactly the same. She didn't change nothing in this house." Not a single thing, my posters where still were they belonged and even the curtains hadn't changed.

"Look at you all." It was Jerry who interrupted us. He had accompanied Liv up to her room. Now that he was with us, loud music was playing. Bobby frowned again and looked to my roof.

"What's with her?" He asked still staring intently up as if my ceiling had the answer.

"Same old. She has her problems coping with Moms death. Y'all know how she is. Fell right back into old patterns."

Of course. Out off all of us she was the one who never talked about her past or her problems, she didn't open up her mouth and that had backfired more than once.

"If she doesn't change her attitude, I'm gonna have her ass." Bobby threatened glaring and clenching his fists.

* * *

It was late when I heard a soft knock on my door. "Ahu?" I said grudgingly and rolled onto my back. The door opened slightly and Liv's head appeared.

I held my blanket up and made space for her. Just like when we were kids.

She scrambled into my bed, her face wet.

A/N: Reviews? :D 3


	8. What's another day?

1A/N: Thank you for the EIGHT reviews I got from you guys! I hope you enjoy this. Please tell me what you think. And I really tried not to put any script from the movie in it though I used the script from a scene that was cut out. I really think that I got everything that is said right.

Thank you for reading.

Warning: Alcohol abuse (yes abuse) and mentions of sex (not graphic or anything, just talk about it.)

* * *

Chapter 8

"You know concrete colored buildings all grow stale!"  
You say as I look up dreaming  
I know better than to include the both of us  
But I can't sleep...  
When you're gone. ~ Maria Mena - What's another day?

* * *

It was weird to wake up in Jack's bed. We hadn't been in one bed since we were twelve and seventeen, my memory was foggy and I really had no clue when I had come down to search for comfort. I twisted around so that I was facing the wall, I had no desire to stand up.

It took me twenty minutes to decide that I couldn't take anymore lying down. It was too hot. Standing up I felt a circulatory collapse coming on. Taking a big step forward I grabbed the door frame and leaned against it, so I could slowly slide down to the ground. Breathing heavily I tried to compose myself.

I sat there for a few minutes and then decided I would try to stand up and get something to drink. Maybe I had pushed myself too far?

I was in the kitchen when the yelling match started. It was Bobby against Sofie, I hadn't even noticed that Sofie had been here since last night.

The match transferred me back to when Sofie and Angel had been sixteen, Bobby always disliked Sofie and picked a fight whenever he could.

Sofie may be a nut-case had a temper and some issues but she had a heart. And she made Angel happy, that was enough off an argument for me. Listening intently I could hear Sofie yell at Bobby in Spanish.

"Was I speaking Spanish? What's your problem?" Bobby was ticked off by this so he yelled back at her. It was probably Angel who was in the middle of the bickering, trying to keep the two hot-heads in line, both were prone to get violent.

And Bobby and Sofie were past friendly fights, they would jump each other's throats the second Angel stepped out of the way.

"...wasn't your girl as off yesterday, Angel so I'm confused." Trying to blend them out I turned on the radio and turned the volume up, I poured myself another glass of water, then I sat on the counter, a few moments I sat there waiting for Mom to come in and tell me come of the counter.

It took me a few moments to realize that she wouldn't come. Tears began to form in my eyes, I didn't made the effort to dry them. My brothers were occupied, being all by myself I let them fall freely.

I sniffed to cover up my sobs. It hurt just too much and I felt helpless and alone.

That's when I heard a loud crash following Bobby saying: "Let's just play some fucking Turkey Cup, man. How about that?" Rolling my eyes I knew that the much dreaded turkey cup had been initiated by Bobby - again.

I smiled through my teary eyes but the short moment of happiness faded quickly when I thought back to when Mom was still there to forbid this.

But before any vases could break Angel replied lazily and sourly: "Don't start, man."

* * *

Jack's P.o.V

Liv was already in the kitchen when I entered, with the turkey that Jerry had bought. It had been tradition that I and Mom would prepare the turkey and the others would make a lot of noise and break some vases.

Or in Liv's case complain that she was used as a human goal. You got extra points when you made a head shot. Back then we used to play with little stuffed balls though. So it wasn't hurting as much as it would if we played with a puck.

"Can you help me to prepare the turkey?" I asked more rhetorically, I didn't expect an answer. She nodded and slid down from the counter.

She pulled out some ingredients for the stuffing and looked at me with questioning eyes, she never had been doing anything else than placing the ingredients for us and then seeking out for a new hiding place.

I turned around and pulled Mom's cookbook from the shelf, flicking through it, I placed it in front of her so she had the recipe.

No need for spoken words there. From that on we went to work in silence. Sometimes interrupted by our brothers making noises. Even though I was the one who got her talking in four out of five situations, this time I couldn't press the matter. She had lost yet another caregiver.

Liv out of all of us was the one who had talked the least about her early childhood from the things Ma had dropped in between door and angle we gathered enough to conclude that she hadn't been as far of as we were and still are.

But the things that happened to her had worn her out and they were hurting her much more. My back was facing her now so she couldn't see me, since I had arrived in New York things had been changing from one minute to another, just one thing never changed and that was my mother's support.

She called sometimes, gave me money when I wasn't able to pay my rent but most of all she was there for me and now somebody had ripped her right out of my hands. I hadn't been the greatest son at all. I even had cancelled this thanksgiving dinner.

What was her last impression of me? I didn't gave back half of the things she had been giving me. And still was giving to me.

What had I done?

* * *

Liv's P.O.V

I had avoided them all for the time being. Being stuck with Jack in the kitchen wasn't exactly helping me at all. But he was the better deal compared to Bobby.

He would've reacted impatient to me, he couldn't stand silence. He would've had a fit if he had been the one to deal with me. And Jerry had the habit to ignore me completely, silent punishment as he called it.

Angel though, completely other story, he would annoy as much as he could. To be aggravating.

Sometimes it worked most of the time it ended with tears. Sometimes I wished that I was stronger.

I placed the salad on the table and neatly placed some forks and knives besides the plates that Jack had put on the table already. Sitting criss-cross on the chair I waited for Jack to finish.

"Hey Jack! Can I ask you a question?" I knew exactly what was coming on and judging by the looks of Jacks face it was obvious that he knew what was going on too.

"Shoot."

"Dinner almost ready?" That was unexpected, I raised my eyebrows.

"Almost." Jack was still on guard. Bobby sat down next to me with a huff.

"So? You've come out of that closet yet?" And I had been right. Jack supported himself with his arms on the back of the chair, looking Bobby directly in the eye.

"Don't you think it's about time for a new joke?" It definitely was, but there was nothing more funny than watching Jack get wind up about this. He really cared about what Bobby thought of him.

His hand on his chest Bobby replied: "Oh Jack, it's all over the talk shows. You have to admit to yourself who you really are as a person inside."

"Have you been watching too much Oprah lately?" Jack asked sarcastically and I smiled at his nice attempt.

"Yes and you know what she said? If you are a homosexual, I shouldn't care and you think I care? I love you, man you are my brother." There was Bobby either smashing you with his fists or with his mouth.

"Bobby I'm banging way more chicks than you are." I grimaced at the thought of him…like that.

"And they are okay with you being gay?" Jack's triumphant smile faded quickly as he progressed what Bobby just said to him. It was Jerry who chimed in this time.

"Why do you let him bother you, Jack?"

"Because I'm not gay, Jerry." Jack growled.

"If you ain't gay, then how come you have that big, thick, meat tenderizer in your tongue?" There it was the hurt face expression Bobby had been pushing for. Jack turned around and walked off to the kitchen not bothering to answer. He had been defeated, once again.

"Jack! Jack, I'm only kidding. Jack!" Bobby always had a knack for pushing things to far as it was showing yet again.

"Hey Jack! I was only kidding, that tongue piercing is very masculine. Please, man. Let's eat, bring that bird in and I'll let you wear my jacket." I swiftly kicked him from under the table and then pulled my legs back up, avoiding his kicks.

"Hey girl!" He exclaimed and rubbed his knee.

"Always sticking to your big sister or what?" I showed him the finger resisting kicking him again.

The dinner went quite uneventful but you could almost grab the tension out of the air. Till Bobby had slammed the napkin on the table and unceremoniously announced that he wanted a good hockey game.

* * *

A good explanation to why I was sitting at the hockey rink benches freezing my ass off. As much as it was tradition to use me as the human goal I was only ever allowed to play the game with them if we just played, because frankly I sucked.

I almost always was the reason as to why we won or lost the game. It was fifteen minutes into the game when I heard familiar voices from behind me.

"Don't be like that, Darren." It was Josie who was bitching. It was her boyfriend she was whining about.

"Jose, it's Thanksgiving, I gotta be with my family." I turned around fully intently staring at them, knowing that they would notice sooner or later. Fiddling with my blonde hair I looked at them even more intense. That was when Josie finally noticed.

"Livy! Thank god, I'm not alone." She walked over to me a big smile on her face, leaving her boyfriend behind.

"What about me, Jo?" Darren asked now standing all alone in a snow pile.

"Go. Have dinner with your family." She replied hugging me, kissing me on the cheek twice.

"I'll call." He said and walked of kicking the snow, he should've been used to her antics by now.

"So what's up that you're out on a Thanksgiving dinner, I saw your brothers have been back?" I pointed down to the rink and shrugged.

"Aww...Jack's gotten handsome." She said licking her lips. I looked at her both my eyebrows raised.

"Wrong topic?" I nodded. "Guessed so. You wanna know why I'm here? Mom kicked me out again, she was wasted as hell. I can't stand it anymore." I shook my head in understanding, her Mom had never been one of the most sympathetic people in the world.

She was an alcoholic, a first class alcoholic, Josie's dad left them just about two years ago. Now Josie lived alone with her mother and her sister and brother. Patting her knee I encouraged her to go on.

"And my siblings are out too. What am I supposed to do now? Its midday and she won't sober up until tomorrow morning and Darren doesn't want me!" Darren stuck with her through everything but his mother disliked Josie a lot so I shrugged as an answer, there wasn't much I could say or wanted to say, she knew how it was.

She eyed me warily and then looked down at her gloved hands.

"How about…I come home with you?" She asked not looking me in the eye, she knew that at home things were tense and uncomfortable. But I couldn't say no to her either so I nodded my head.

"Thanks!" She squealed and pulled me into a warm embrace, I didn't wrap my arms around her feeling uncomfortable. Breaking away from her I turned my attention back to the game.

* * *

"Okay. Enough. I can't take it anymore." I stared at Josie in bewilderment who just came into my room freshly showered.

"I will get dressed and then I get the best solution for your mute attitude." She let the towel slip down and then pulled a sweatshirt and a jeans on.

"It's really unbearable with you. And frustrating." She ranted and then stood up and slammed the door behind her. I rolled my eyes, still dumbstruck.

What was her plan? And how much was it gonna hurt?

Approximately twenty minutes after Josie had left she came back, I was in the kitchen preparing some dinner from the leftovers.

"Stop that immediately." She said and I a little shocked let the knife slip from my hands I jumped back so it wouldn't hit me.

I glared at her reproachful, she just shrugged carelessly and then said insincerely: "Sorry." I glared a little more until I saw the brown paperback which obviously held a bottle in it, Josie noticed my gaze and then smiled.

"That's right. Alcohol is a solution." She smirked pulled a bottle Tequila from the paper bag and then reached over my head to pull to glasses from the cupboard above me.

So I decided to help and pulled some lemons out of the fridge and gathered salt.

"So here is the deal. We drink. You'll talk, I listen. We drink more." I made a painful expression but sat down none the less. She poured the tequila into the shot glasses and proceeded to give it to me. I sliced the lemons and gave her one. Rubbing the lemon on my hand and then put salt on it.

"Cheers." Josie said licked the lemon and salt and tilted her head back and then swallowed the bitter alcohol.

I did the same, feeling the warmth spread in my chest. And then we did it all over again. Until we were tipsy. Well at least I was and judging by the swaying Josie had she was too. We had turned the radio on playing loud music that was keeping us company. Josie was chatting away talking about silly things.

"Do you remember when you had something with that guy? You know Marc? Alistair? Jake? Anyways and you tried to give him a hickey so you could wipe his drool from your mouth? That was so hilarious." She laughed and I thought back to that night pulling a disgusted face. And then I laughed. I laughed hard.

"I didn't even tell him my name." I said, feeling a victory for the first time in days.

"That's so masculine." She said dryly and poured us another glass.

"I know." I said just as dryly and then we laughed again. We had the bottle finished in over an hour. I was surprised that none of my brothers had come down to see what was going on, but then again I was too drunk to care.

She had been right alcohol was a solution at least for some minor things. Because I really felt better.

"I don't want to die as a virgin." I whined and vomited my stomach contents into the porcelain basin.

"Don't be silly." Josie slurred leaning against the heater. She occasionally leaned forward so she could hold my hair back when I had to clear my stomach.

"But I'm seventeen. I'm gonna die! As a virgin." Tears where now running down my face, not only because I was upset but because puking had that effect on me.

"Then get your ass in gear and we'll find a tasty guy for you."

"But I don't just want sex I want sex with more." I said trying to make sense but failing epically.

"You want sex with a guy. That's all that matters. Sex is sex." Josie said making me realize that she had better alcohol resistance than I did.

I supported my elbows on the toilet seat my head hanging almost in the basin.

"What's going on?" It was Jack.

"I'm going to die as a virgin." I declared and puked again.

"Are you drunk?"

"Quite obviously dumbass." Josie said and took a swig from the bottle that we had yet to empty. Jack stood there for a moment, looking helpless.

"Bobby!" He yelled, momentarily turning his back to us.

"Liv. I love you and all that shit, and I love getting wasted with you, but you really need to get a grip on your stomach." Josie said as I puked again this had to be the sixth time.

I was still leaning over the toilet when Bobby came stomping up the stairs.

"What is it princess?" He said gruffly.

"Liv" Jack said pointing at me. I looked up and smiled weakly at my oldest brother.

"What the hell is going on?" He asked and came closer to inspect me. "I'm dying as a virgin." I said explaining for the fifth time, he groaned.

"You're not gonna die." Bobby said and then scowled. "At least not from alcohol." It was my turn to groan I knew he implied my eating problems.

"Shut up." I said and tried to stand up when I swayed he grabbed my arm

"You better shut up, girl. What the hell is wrong with you anyway? Getting drunk on an empty stomach do you know how risky that is?" Then he started to lead me downstairs. He roughly dumped me on the couch and then instructed Jack to get a bucket. Josie had followed us and now retreated to the kitchen to get me some bread.

And here I was. Choking on my tears and feeling like I would die.

The next day was horrible. It started with more puking and then a yelling Bobby who didn't care that I had a major headache and problems standing up.

"Don't be so loud." I said and covered my ears.

"Don't be so loud! Don't be so LOUD!" He practically yelled the last 'loud' and I as a reaction shrank back.

"I made a deal with her." Josie chimed in. "She would talk and then we'd drink. The silence was unbearable." Bobby turned to her and glared.

"Did you know that she hasn't eaten in days?" It was Jack who spoke up, he was angry at me I could tell. Well the ignoring should've been clue enough. Josie turned to me red faced.

"You what?" She asked.

"I…just as he said." I said and played with my hair.

"Are you trying to kill yourself? I mean you certainly are skinny enough. I'm skinny but you are almost vanishing! And then you drink alcohol? Are you bonkers?" Well, I knew about the risks. And that's really all that this was about, nobody cared that we were underage.

"I'm talking now, or am I not?" I still hadn't really eaten though I had puked the bread out again.

"That's not the point." Jack seethed looking ready to jump me.

"Fine. I don't care and you should really stop collectively pestering me. It's unfair!" I stood up and was now eye to eye with Bobby. He pushed me back down.

"No you know what's unfair? Unfair is that you don't care what you do with us. Killing yourself slowly doesn't help at all. You are after all my little sister and I can't take it if you die. Unfair is that you put your life in jeopardy while everyone else is trying so hard!" Jack yelled looking livid, I never had seen him this way before, and normally he was calm and collected.

"But…I." I said trying hard to find anything appropriate to say but when I couldn't find anything that would help I stood up this time, Bobby didn't bother to hold me back so I left the living room and stayed up in my room for the rest of the day watching TV, crying and trying to cure my hangover.

Josie was somewhere in the house too, I knew she wouldn't leave anytime soon. My brothers had left for the lawyer appointment around six a clock. Leaving me at home.

* * *

A/N: Oh yes I know, I haven't updated in a while but I was busy with pre-vacation exams. Blurgh. Next update should be up soon. Btw too all those who think Liv is Mary-Sue after you read about that she is really skinny. She eats really she does but she has many issues to deal with and sometimes they just reappear and make her miserable. Also her name is Liv Hannah, no Vixen or Ebony in there anywhere. :D Reviews please? :)


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